WHY I HATE FUNDRAISING!!!!!!!

By: Allison Brown

I MEAN...

By: Allison Jackson

1. I hate fundraising because I sound like a COMPLETE TOOL all of the time. Today at lunch I heard myself going on and on about TEAM FOR KIDS, which has become the bane of my existence. This one dude has raised over $11,000 for TEAM FOR KIDS. Why can't I have some of his pledges?!?!?! You know that fool just has SERIOUS DIRT and exchanged his silence for a $10,000 donation!

2. EVERYONE IS FUNDRAISING. Today I did a quick Facebook check between meetings, and I saw THREE OTHER PLEAS FOR DONATIONS! All of the causes are so worthwhile. I seriously found myself feeling frustrated that my cause wasn't dramatic or deadly enough. UGH. That was the low point...

3. I also hate fundraising because IT IS NOT FUN. I SAY WE NEED TO PUT THE "FUN" BACK IN FUNDRAISING!!! (Much like I have put the FUN back in DYSFUNCTIONAL!!) Being required to raise a certain amount of FUNDS is not FUN. It is an insult to the word FUN to have it be a part of the words FUNDS and FUNDRAISING.

4. I do not like fundraising because in this case I am fundraising for a selfish reason: I wanted to run the NYC Marathon. When I want to do something, I want to do it RIGHT THEN. I forget to consider the consequences. [Side Note: I am only selectively impulsive. You would think someone with my level of impulsiveness would have tried lots of drugs and sexual partners. Not so, my friends. Not so.]

I PROMISE THAT I WILL NEVER DO "SELFISH" FUNDRAISING AGAIN! You have my word! I'm sure at some point in my life I will encourage people to give money to a worthwhile cause, but I will NEVER, EVER, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS (this is a Scarlet O'Hara moment, folks) sign up to RUN, SKIP, JUMP, ROLLER-SKATE, ETC for a charity that has a pledge minimum! DISASTER!

5. I do not like FUNDRAISING because I like it when people like me! No one likes people who are fundraising. Admit it. You know it's true. When you see someone who is actively fundraising, you turn and RUN in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION!

SO...why should you donate to TEAM FOR KIDS even though its ambassador is an embittered woman trying desperately to recapture her youth or pursue immortality or some other subconscious thing?!?!?!?!

ANSWER: It is not the kids' fault their ambassador is a dysFUNctional FUNdraiser.

HELP THE CHILDREN! THEY NEED PHYSICAL FITNESS OPPORTUNITIES! THEY NEED TO LEARN ABOUT HEALTHY FOODS...AND TO BE FED THEM! THEY NEED TO LIVE LONG, HEALTHY LIVES! THEY NEED YOU!